Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in nikakat's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 2nd, 2005
9:47 pm	I see dumb people..they're everywhere I love working fairs but there are so many stupid people. all day long you hear the same 3 questions...Is that real? does it bite? is it poisinous? yeah I'm holding a fake venimous snake that bites. people worry me. I had a great time though..hanging out in the hot tub drinking was a blast. I met some really cool people this fair though. I'm just so exhausted..plus I gotta go back to my boring regular job wednesday. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: tv in the background (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
5:52 pm	Why can't I be indepently wealthy I hate my job. I really hate my job. I need lots of money so I can quit my job. Anyone wanna give me mone to quit to my job. please! I'll give you nude photos of my dog. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: the news on tv (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
6:54 pm	gee I still have this 2 wow It's been a long time since I wrote here. tons of things have changed since I last wrote. I got in a 2nd car accident that wasn't my fault...but my insurancer went up(damn people) we moved to santa Clara, I went to Oregon for a week and had the best time...especially at Bradstock. I got a job as a hift manager at the bagel shop from hell and...my dad died 3 months ago. I'm upset about that of course but I'm getting by. I also stopped taking Antidepressants 5 months ago and am doing very well off them. My best friend got married in June and is doing very well. My sister also got remarried last month...I'm taking bets on how long it will last...any takers??? I have a year. My brother is in the Navy now and going ship bound in May. Current Mood: blah Current Music: redneck woman by gretchen wilson (Comment on this)
6:51 pm	gee I still have this If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you Current Mood: tired Current Music: When the time is right (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 5th, 2003
5:42 pm	heaven knows how much I love you but I'm tired of holding on (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:51 pm	aw fuck well I got into my first accident today. I guess it wasn't even an accident. the police didn't even bother to file a report cause noone got hurt. I backed into someone in the kmart parking lot. I looked behind my shoulder as I started backing up and there was noone there and the car was showing up in my mirrors. I think the person turned the corner right as I was backing out but either way I hit them so it's my fault. I'm so scared. After exchanging information and stuff I sat in the car for a good 20 minutes just crying and shaking. I mnean it was very minor. no damage to my car and just a small dent in her hood but I know the insurance is going to go up and I'm not even making it financially now as it is! I think things would be better for everyone if I just took a bottle of cough dsyrip and finished it for good. I'm so sick of living this way. never havoing money, being afriad inmy own home. I just want it to end. Current Mood: scared Current Music: don't cry out loud (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 5th, 2003
11:37 am	damn men ok so this is just a basic men suck rant. so most of you know about troy if you don't brief background. I've known him for like 5 years. we've fooled around a few times although never slept together. well I found out that he has a girlfriend. grrrrrr. I'm trying not to be hurt by this or take it personally but damnit I am hurt and I am taking it personally! Current Mood: crappy Current Music: cup of coffee by garbage (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
12:44 am	time flies when you're having fun...that must be why the clock at works goes so slow! my job really sucks. well not so much the job itself although customers can be annoying at times. but my manager. now that he can nol onger fault my speed he has started finding thre smallest nitpick things to bug me on. for indstance, he says I go to the restroom too much. and then my favorite..pout the sauce on top of the meat instead of on the bread because it tastes better that way...or as he says it makes better taste. I don't think th location of the sauce affects the taste. whatever. he is so stupid. themn of course the other king of stupid aka asshole aka my dad started today on me not having my lisrense. his exact words...you need to get your lisense. let's see...he won't pay for me to go to driving school, he won't teach me how to drive and he won't let me take the car and drive around the neighborhood by myself to practice...so how exactly does he expect me to get my lisense? and even if I had my lisense I wouldn't haev a car so what difference would it make. there seems to be an abundance of stupid people in the world. and somehow they all seem to find me Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: you come to my senses by chicago (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 1st, 2002
11:20 pm	I just want to be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate being mentally ill! I just want to be normal. I want to be happy, not depressed all the time. I don't want to have lie and say I have ashma when I have a panic attack in public. I don't want stomachaches that have no physical cause. I don't want to hae to check the urge to scratch when I get upset. I don't want to go into a guilt phase when I do relapse. I don't want to be on medication just so I can get out of bed in the morning. I don't want a simple comment from an asshole manager to bring me almost to tears. I want to be normal dsamnit! sometimes I think death is a solution but I know it isn't although honestly there are times I think hell would be an improvment. and how do you tell people you have a couple mental illnesses. hi I'm veronika, I'm a scorpio and I suffer from clinical depression panic attacks psychosomatic illness and self abuse? or hi I'm veronika, I take pills to control my brain wanna go out. most people freak out when you say you have a mental illness. or my personal favorite: just snap out of it. don't I wish. I havn't told anyone at my job about it. people treat you differently when they know. still, it's getting harder and harder to come up with excuses to stay home sick when really I just feel too crappy to deal with work. I just so desperatly want to be normal! Current Mood: distressed Current Music: just what I do by trick pony (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 17th, 2002
10:25 pm	I'm so sick of living this way you know I thought having him scream at me was bad. I found something much worse today. He was screaming at my sister over nothing and told her she couldn't come back here and that her husbsand had two weeks to find another place to live. he did this in front of the kids who both started crying. Having to try and explain alcoholism to an 8 and 5 year old is really not fun. I kept them in the room with me until they both fell asleep. I'm worried right now cause my sister took off pissed with the baby. I hope she gets home ok. I don't want the kids growing up this way. I want me and my mom to take them and leave. they deserve to grow up better than we did. look how screwed up we all turned out. I mean shit adam is joining the navy just to get away from here. I would leave but I gotta stay for the kids. I'm trying to convince my mom to leave. we could get a small place for just me her and the kids. hell I'd take a semester break just to work full time and help her pay for everything. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: music of the night from phantom of the opera (Comment on this)
Friday, February 15th, 2002
7:05 pm	regression well after almost three months of not scratching I regressed today. I know my triggers but the situation I was in I couldn't do anything about it. My triggers are frustration and anger and I knew I was feeling both majorly but I was stuck with the kids and couldn't get to my journal to write or scribble or do anything I normally do to calm down so I regressed back to my old ways. I scratched up my stomach. the scratches wern't too deep. only one place is really red. I guess it's good I couldn't get up so I couldn't get to scissors or the box cutter. I had to stick to my nails. I guess I'll be starting all over in my recovery. I know one regression isn't too bad but it can lead to the problem starting all over again. I hope it's not. I normally have good control over this. I thought I was healed. I know now from some reading I did that I'll never be healed and the temptation will always be there. I get free counceling now at least. I think I'll take advantage of it and start going. I know I need professional help to deal with this Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: A man's home is his castle by faith hill (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 12th, 2002
4:40 pm	you aren't exactly calista flockhart... my mom was making fun of me today because I eat 4 quesadillas for lunch usually(on corn tortllas so they're pretty small) she was saying on our way home from a total white trash baby shower when I asked if we could go get real food since all they had there was cheese and crackers(and she told me not to eat beforehand because there would be food there) that my dad was making ribs(which I don't like) then dshe told nette, who was driving, that I'd probably go home and have 4 quesadillas to hold me over. what the fuck is that shit. usually if I eat that it is the only thing I'll eat all day. I swear my family pisses me off so badly. they always sayt stuff about my weight...yet noone has noticed I havn't been eating lately. I eat one meal a day and that's because I force myself. I think I'll just quit eating all together. I'm never hungry anymore anyways so why bother forcing myself. what really pisses me off is my family are all either the same weight or heavier than I am! It pisses me off so bad when they say stuff about my weight. I know I'm fat I don't need you pointing it out to me. If I quoit eating which is fine by me because I get sick whenever I eat and end up in the hospital maybe then they'll leave me alone. no, they wouldn't. they'd just bitch because I got sick and we don't have insurance. If I die then perhaps they'd leave me alone. acually they wouldn't but I wouldn;t be around to hear it anymore Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: daddy by jewel (Comment on this)
Friday, January 11th, 2002
12:18 am	sigh today was rather eventful. james, the guy who molested me punched out his girlfriend,pushed his mom almost causing her to fall down the stairs, threw his 13 year old sisyer against the wall and threatened to kill everyone. I feel that this is my fault. I don't know what I'll do if he did acually hurt someone. I know logically that it isn't my fault but it doesn't help. I can't help feeling that maybe if I had told somebody about what he did to me this might not have happened. stupid I know but guilt is hard to overcome. It's too late to tell now. It happened 10 years ago and would just be my word against his. I know if I had told then it would have been the same situation. plus he was only 13. maybe it wouldn't have changed anything...or maybe it could have. I'lln ever know. maybe, even if I had told he would still murder his family...but at lesat then I'd have a clear conscious. I would feel really really bad if that happened now. I'd blame myself which in my present condition would be very bad. since I have no insurance I'm not taking my paxil anymore. my axnxiety attacks have been coming back and so have the flashbacks and nightmares. It's hard to believe I camn barely remember what I did yesterday but I can remember every detail, thought, sensation, emotion of something that happened 10 years ago. I was just a kid really..barely 11 years old. we were camping. I don't remember the exact date but I know it was summer. I was sharing a two room tent with james, his friend and trisha. I woke up to feel him reaching up under my shirt. I was scared. too scared to protest. I just pretebded to still be asleep. he reached down my sweatpants and started fingering me. I just layed there and prayed he would stop. maybe I should have cried out or something but I was too scared and cinfused. I never mentioned it to anyone. I had really low self esteem back then and didn't think anyone would believe me. noone had believed my sister when she was raped. I was 10 when that happened. I had been with her at the guys house but had gone acsross the street to the park. I remember very clearly being questioned by the dectective. he treated me like a criminal. It was very clear he didn't believe my sister or me. after all some mexican girl was accusing the white football star...why should he believe her. and her sister kept stammering and not really answering questions. never mind she was only 10 and scared out of her mind and didn't even really know what rape was. I had never really oput two and two together but I can see now that because of that experiance I was even more scared to tell my own when it happened a year later. I kept silent. I told one person a year later...she was a girl I knew in middle school. she had ben molested at a party so I fewlt safe talking to her because she understood. I didn't tell anyone else until I was 16 when I told melinda. I've told quitre a few more people now. this is the first time I've ever written in detail what happened that early morning so long ago. I hope it will help me purge the memories and sleep without nightmares tonight. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: hit me with your best shot (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 11th, 2001
4:17 pm	six years ago today today marks exactly six years since larry died. I still miss him. they say time heals all wounds. well it's been six years and so far this wound has not healed. I will admit it's not nearly as painful as it was but I still cried today. I still cry a lot when I think about him. I think what gets me most is I didn't get to say goodbye. I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him. I do talk to him now. I believe his spirit can hear me. maybe it sounds crazy but it helps me feel better to believe he isn't really gone. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: jerry springer by weird al (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 25th, 2001
1:25 pm	yay! I finally got a job!!!!!!!!! It's only until after christmas but hey at least I'll have money to do my christmas shopping and I can start saving for vegas. I'll be working at the dollartree again until december 31st. the nice thing is although I'll only be making minimum wage on the days I go in early like on monday(4:30am...ugh) I get a dollar extra an hour Current Mood: content Current Music: beautiful stranger by madonna (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:18 pm	in loving memory this is written in loving memory of frued the fish. I got frued last year for my birthday. he was a beautiful beta who was blue and red. I moved him from his beta tank because he was outgrowing into a bowl. 'He seemed to love his bowl. much more room to kmove around for him. over thanksgiving weekend he jumped a bnit too high and out of the bowl. my mom couldn't find him so he died there on the rug behind the book shelf :( my brother thinks I'm stupid for crying over a fishes death but I had frued for a year and I loved him. yes I dfo still have two remaining betas but each fish is very different. I keep thinking about the poor fish lying there sufficating to death. gosh what a painful way to go. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: like a prayer by madonna (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
4:38 pm	so fucking pissed ok last wednesday I was volunteered to go help out at my mo's store putting candles on the shelf. sunday I was there at 4:30am unloading the truck. now my mom says I have to do work to earn money to go to san jose. excuse me???? what the fuck does she think helping out at the dollartree is?????? a fucking hobby??? I work my ass off for no pay there. then dshe's bitching about me sleeping all the time. I only sleep during the day cause I can't sleep at night. I have nighttime insomnia. I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night even if I'm tired. so yes I do sleep during the day a lot. If I didn't I woiuldn't sleep ever. everyone is just pissing me off lately. noone apprciates a damn thing I do around here. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: the real thing by kenny logins (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
7:39 pm	my life in song from michael jackson's little susie "It was all for God's sake for her singing the tune for someone to feel her despair. To be damned to know hoping is dead and you're doomed. Then to scream out nobody's there. she knew noone cared...No one to care just to love her how much can one bear rejecting the needs in her prayer. neglication can kill like a knife in your soul oh it will" from jewel"s daddy "sometimes I wanna rip out your throat daddy for all the things you said that were mean. I'm gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was daddy. what's that say about me. sometimes I wanna bash in your teeth daddy. gonna use your tongue as a stamp. gonna rip your heart out the way that you did mine daddy" from mariah carey's looking in "sge smilers through a thousand tears and harbors adolesent fears. she dreams of all that she can never be. she wades in insecurity and hides herself inside of me...please understand it sems as though I've always been somebody outside looking in" from alanis morrisette's perfect "sometimes is never quite enough. If you're flawless then you'll win my love.be a good girl. try a little harder. you got to meadsure up and make me prouder. how long before you screw it up...I'll live through you I'll make you what I never was. If you're the best maybe so am I...I'm doing this for your own damn good you'll make up for what I blew...we'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect" from evita "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. never fool myself that my dreams will come true. being used to trouble I anticipate it but all the same I hate it, wouldn't you? Time and time again I've said that I don't care. That I'm immune to gloom that I'm hard through and through. But everytime it matters all my words desert me. so anyone can hurt me and they do. call in three months time and I'll be fine I know. well maybe not that fine but I'll survive anyhow" from reba's fancy "I knew what I had to do and I made myself this solemn vow I was going to be a lady someday though I didn't know when or how. but I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with my head hung down in shame. see I might haev been born just plain white trash but fancy was my name(I might have been born to alcoholic trash but I'm not gonna stay this way" Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: dark blue by no doubt (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 9th, 2001
3:54 pm	nika wants to die I'm just so sick of everything. I want to end it all. To just drift peacefully away from everything. To not have any more pain in my world. Someone told me if I killed myelf I'd go to hell. From my view point hell would be an improvment! I just want all the fighting and yelling to end. I want peace. No more demands on my time. No more being caught in the middle. No more worrying about losing my family. no more pain, no more tears...just peace. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: here we are by gloria estefan (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:41 pm	frustrated ok I was responsiable. I didn't start having sex until I was 20. I was always careful and thus far have managed to not get pregnant. I graduated from a real high school and am going to college. so...WHY THE HELL AM I RAISING MY SISTER'S KIDS! WHY AM I PAYING FOR HER MISTAKES! shit, If I wanted to be raising kids I would have not used condoms and getton pregnant. she;s the one who screwed up and I'm the one paying for it. It's so not fair. tajke this morning for instance. I haev a really bad cold and totally feel like shit right now. I still grudgingly got up to get the brats ready. they werw fighting in the bathroom and the asshole told me to go see what was wromng. I sighed really loudly because I had been trying to take my temperture. he said it's your responsibility. why the hell is it my responsibility! they aren't my fucking kids! I don't get paid to watch them! I said I was sick and he said I don't give a damn! hello if they were my kids sick or otherwise it would be my responsibility to watch them. If I were a paid babysitter it would be my responsibility but I'm neither. I'm just the slave around here. I fucking hate it! Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: the search is over by survivor (Comment on this)