nikakat

I see dumb people..they're everywhere

Tue, 03 May 2005 04:52:30 GMT

I love working fairs but there are so many stupid people. all day long you hear the same 3 questions...Is that real? does it bite? is it poisinous? yeah I'm holding a fake venimous snake that bites. people worry me. I had a great time though..hanging out in the hot tub drinking was a blast. I met some really cool people this fair though. I'm just so exhausted..plus I gotta go back to my boring regular job wednesday.

Why can't I be indepently wealthy

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 01:54:03 GMT

I hate my job. I really hate my job. I need lots of money so I can quit my job. Anyone wanna give me mone to quit to my job. please! I'll give you nude photos of my dog.

gee I still have this 2

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 02:59:28 GMT

wow It's been a long time since I wrote here. tons of things have changed since I last wrote. I got in a 2nd car accident that wasn't my fault...but my insurancer went up(damn people) we moved to santa Clara, I went to Oregon for a week and had the best time...especially at Bradstock. I got a job as a hift manager at the bagel shop from hell and...my dad died 3 months ago. I'm upset about that of course but I'm getting by. I also stopped taking Antidepressants 5 months ago and am doing very well off them. My best friend got married in June and is doing very well. My sister also got remarried last month...I'm taking bets on how long it will last...any takers??? I have a year. My brother is in the Navy now and going ship bound in May.

gee I still have this

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 02:52:02 GMT

If you read this,
even if I don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you

Sun, 06 Apr 2003 01:50:58 GMT

heaven knows how much I love you but I'm tired of holding on

aw fuck

Sun, 06 Apr 2003 01:05:03 GMT

well I got into my first accident today. I guess it wasn't even an accident. the police didn't even bother to file a report cause noone got hurt. I backed into someone in the kmart parking lot. I looked behind my shoulder as I started backing up and there was noone there and the car was showing up in my mirrors. I think the person turned the corner right as I was backing out but either way I hit them so it's my fault. I'm so scared. After exchanging information and stuff I sat in the car for a good 20 minutes just crying and shaking. I mnean it was very minor. no damage to my car and just a small dent in her hood but I know the insurance is going to go up and I'm not even making it financially now as it is! I think things would be better for everyone if I just took a bottle of cough dsyrip and finished it for good. I'm so sick of living this way. never havoing money, being afriad inmy own home. I just want it to end.

damn men

Sun, 05 Jan 2003 19:39:25 GMT

ok so this is just a basic men suck rant. so most of you know about troy if you don't brief background. I've known him for like 5 years. we've fooled around a few times although never slept together. well I found out that he has a girlfriend. grrrrrr. I'm trying not to be hurt by this or take it personally but damnit I am hurt and I am taking it personally!

time flies when you're having fun...that must be why the clock at works goes so slow!

Wed, 10 Jul 2002 07:52:36 GMT

my job really sucks. well not so much the job itself although customers can be annoying at times. but my manager. now that he can nol onger fault my speed he has started finding thre smallest nitpick things to bug me on. for indstance, he says I go to the restroom too much. and then my favorite..pout the sauce on top of the meat instead of on the bread because it tastes better that way...or as he says it makes better taste. I don't think th location of the sauce affects the taste. whatever. he is so stupid.

themn of course the other king of stupid aka asshole aka my dad started today on me not having my lisrense. his exact words...you need to get your lisense. let's see...he won't pay for me to go to driving school, he won't teach me how to drive and he won't let me take the car and drive around the neighborhood by myself to practice...so how exactly does he expect me to get my lisense? and even if I had my lisense I wouldn't haev a car so what difference would it make.

there seems to be an abundance of stupid people in the world. and somehow they all seem to find me

I just want to be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 02 Jun 2002 06:28:21 GMT

I hate being mentally ill! I just want to be normal. I want to be happy, not depressed all the time. I don't want to have lie and say I have ashma when I have a panic attack in public. I don't want stomachaches that have no physical cause. I don't want to hae to check the urge to scratch when I get upset. I don't want to go into a guilt phase when I do relapse. I don't want to be on medication just so I can get out of bed in the morning. I don't want a simple comment from an asshole manager to bring me almost to tears. I want to be normal dsamnit! sometimes I think death is a solution but I know it isn't although honestly there are times I think hell would be an improvment. and how do you tell people you have a couple mental illnesses. hi I'm veronika, I'm a scorpio and I suffer from clinical depression panic attacks psychosomatic illness and self abuse? or hi I'm veronika, I take pills to control my brain wanna go out. most people freak out when you say you have a mental illness. or my personal favorite: just snap out of it. don't I wish. I havn't told anyone at my job about it. people treat you differently when they know. still, it's getting harder and harder to come up with excuses to stay home sick when really I just feel too crappy to deal with work. I just so desperatly want to be normal!

I'm so sick of living this way

Mon, 18 Mar 2002 06:30:29 GMT

you know I thought having him scream at me was bad. I found something much worse today. He was screaming at my sister over nothing and told her she couldn't come back here and that her husbsand had two weeks to find another place to live. he did this in front of the kids who both started crying. Having to try and explain alcoholism to an 8 and 5 year old is really not fun. I kept them in the room with me until they both fell asleep.
I'm worried right now cause my sister took off pissed with the baby. I hope she gets home ok. I don't want the kids growing up this way. I want me and my mom to take them and leave. they deserve to grow up better than we did. look how screwed up we all turned out. I mean shit adam is joining the navy just to get away from here. I would leave but I gotta stay for the kids. I'm trying to convince my mom to leave. we could get a small place for just me her and the kids. hell I'd take a semester break just to work full time and help her pay for everything.

regression

Sat, 16 Feb 2002 03:08:12 GMT

well after almost three months of not scratching I regressed today. I know my triggers but the situation I was in I couldn't do anything about it. My triggers are frustration and anger and I knew I was feeling both majorly but I was stuck with the kids and couldn't get to my journal to write or scribble or do anything I normally do to calm down so I regressed back to my old ways. I scratched up my stomach. the scratches wern't too deep. only one place is really red. I guess it's good I couldn't get up so I couldn't get to scissors or the box cutter. I had to stick to my nails. I guess I'll be starting all over in my recovery. I know one regression isn't too bad but it can lead to the problem starting all over again. I hope it's not. I normally have good control over this. I thought I was healed. I know now from some reading I did that I'll never be healed and the temptation will always be there. I get free counceling now at least. I think I'll take advantage of it and start going. I know I need professional help to deal with this

you aren't exactly calista flockhart...

Sun, 13 Jan 2002 00:40:17 GMT

my mom was making fun of me today because I eat 4 quesadillas for lunch usually(on corn tortllas so they're pretty small) she was saying on our way home from a total white trash baby shower when I asked if we could go get real food since all they had there was cheese and crackers(and she told me not to eat beforehand because there would be food there) that my dad was making ribs(which I don't like) then dshe told nette, who was driving, that I'd probably go home and have 4 quesadillas to hold me over. what the fuck is that shit. usually if I eat that it is the only thing I'll eat all day. I swear my family pisses me off so badly. they always sayt stuff about my weight...yet noone has noticed I havn't been eating lately. I eat one meal a day and that's because I force myself. I think I'll just quit eating all together. I'm never hungry anymore anyways so why bother forcing myself. what really pisses me off is my family are all either the same weight or heavier than I am! It pisses me off so bad when they say stuff about my weight. I know I'm fat I don't need you pointing it out to me. If I quoit eating which is fine by me because I get sick whenever I eat and end up in the hospital maybe then they'll leave me alone. no, they wouldn't. they'd just bitch because I got sick and we don't have insurance. If I die then perhaps they'd leave me alone. acually they wouldn't but I wouldn;t be around to hear it anymore

sigh

Fri, 11 Jan 2002 08:32:21 GMT

today was rather eventful. james, the guy who molested me punched out his girlfriend,pushed his mom almost causing her to fall down the stairs, threw his 13 year old sisyer against the wall and threatened to kill everyone. I feel that this is my fault. I don't know what I'll do if he did acually hurt someone. I know logically that it isn't my fault but it doesn't help. I can't help feeling that maybe if I had told somebody about what he did to me this might not have happened. stupid I know but guilt is hard to overcome. It's too late to tell now. It happened 10 years ago and would just be my word against his. I know if I had told then it would have been the same situation. plus he was only 13. maybe it wouldn't have changed anything...or maybe it could have. I'lln ever know. maybe, even if I had told he would still murder his family...but at lesat then I'd have a clear conscious. I would feel really really bad if that happened now. I'd blame myself which in my present condition would be very bad. since I have no insurance I'm not taking my paxil anymore. my axnxiety attacks have been coming back and so have the flashbacks and nightmares. It's hard to believe I camn barely remember what I did yesterday but I can remember every detail, thought, sensation, emotion of something that happened 10 years ago. I was just a kid really..barely 11 years old. we were camping. I don't remember the exact date but I know it was summer. I was sharing a two room tent with james, his friend and trisha. I woke up to feel him reaching up under my shirt. I was scared. too scared to protest. I just pretebded to still be asleep. he reached down my sweatpants and started fingering me. I just layed there and prayed he would stop. maybe I should have cried out or something but I was too scared and cinfused. I never mentioned it to anyone. I had really low self esteem back then and didn't think anyone would believe me. noone had believed my sister when she was raped. I was 10 when that happened. I had been with her at the guys house but had gone acsross the street to the park. I remember very clearly being questioned by the dectective. he treated me like a criminal. It was very clear he didn't believe my sister or me. after all some mexican girl was accusing the white football star...why should he believe her. and her sister kept stammering and not really answering questions. never mind she was only 10 and scared out of her mind and didn't even really know what rape was. I had never really oput two and two together but I can see now that because of that experiance I was even more scared to tell my own when it happened a year later. I kept silent. I told one person a year later...she was a girl I knew in middle school. she had ben molested at a party so I fewlt safe talking to her because she understood. I didn't tell anyone else until I was 16 when I told melinda. I've told quitre a few more people now. this is the first time I've ever written in detail what happened that early morning so long ago. I hope it will help me purge the memories and sleep without nightmares tonight.

six years ago today

Wed, 12 Dec 2001 00:16:07 GMT

today marks exactly six years since larry died. I still miss him. they say time heals all wounds. well it's been six years and so far this wound has not healed. I will admit it's not nearly as painful as it was but I still cried today. I still cry a lot when I think about him. I think what gets me most is I didn't get to say goodbye. I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him. I do talk to him now. I believe his spirit can hear me. maybe it sounds crazy but it helps me feel better to believe he isn't really gone.

yay!

Sun, 25 Nov 2001 21:27:31 GMT

I finally got a job!!!!!!!!! It's only until after christmas but hey at least I'll have money to do my christmas shopping and I can start saving for vegas. I'll be working at the dollartree again until december 31st. the nice thing is although I'll only be making minimum wage on the days I go in early like on monday(4:30am...ugh) I get a dollar extra an hour

in loving memory

Sun, 25 Nov 2001 21:21:23 GMT

this is written in loving memory of frued the fish. I got frued last year for my birthday. he was a beautiful beta who was blue and red. I moved him from his beta tank because he was outgrowing into a bowl. 'He seemed to love his bowl. much more room to kmove around for him. over thanksgiving weekend he jumped a bnit too high and out of the bowl. my mom couldn't find him so he died there on the rug behind the book shelf :( my brother thinks I'm stupid for crying over a fishes death but I had frued for a year and I loved him. yes I dfo still have two remaining betas but each fish is very different. I keep thinking about the poor fish lying there sufficating to death. gosh what a painful way to go.

so fucking pissed

Wed, 21 Nov 2001 00:38:29 GMT

ok last wednesday I was volunteered to go help out at my mo's store putting candles on the shelf. sunday I was there at 4:30am unloading the truck. now my mom says I have to do work to earn money to go to san jose. excuse me???? what the fuck does she think helping out at the dollartree is?????? a fucking hobby??? I work my ass off for no pay there. then dshe's bitching about me sleeping all the time. I only sleep during the day cause I can't sleep at night. I have nighttime insomnia. I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night even if I'm tired. so yes I do sleep during the day a lot. If I didn't I woiuldn't sleep ever. everyone is just pissing me off lately. noone apprciates a damn thing I do around here.

my life in song

Thu, 15 Nov 2001 03:53:24 GMT

from michael jackson's little susie
"It was all for God's sake for her singing the tune for someone to feel her despair. To be damned to know hoping is dead and you're doomed. Then to scream out nobody's there. she knew noone cared...No one to care just to love her how much can one bear rejecting the needs in her prayer. neglication can kill like a knife in your soul oh it will"

from jewel"s daddy
"sometimes I wanna rip out your throat daddy for all the things you said that were mean. I'm gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was daddy. what's that say about me. sometimes I wanna bash in your teeth daddy. gonna use your tongue as a stamp. gonna rip your heart out the way that you did mine daddy"

from mariah carey's looking in
"sge smilers through a thousand tears and harbors adolesent fears. she dreams of all that she can never be. she wades in insecurity and hides herself inside of me...please understand it sems as though I've always been somebody outside looking in"

from alanis morrisette's perfect
"sometimes is never quite enough. If you're flawless then you'll win my love.be a good girl. try a little harder. you got to meadsure up and make me prouder. how long before you screw it up...I'll live through you I'll make you what I never was. If you're the best maybe so am I...I'm doing this for your own damn good you'll make up for what I blew...we'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect"

from evita
"I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. never fool myself that my dreams will come true. being used to trouble I anticipate it but all the same I hate it, wouldn't you? Time and time again I've said that I don't care. That I'm immune to gloom that I'm hard through and through. But everytime it matters all my words desert me. so anyone can hurt me and they do. call in three months time and I'll be fine I know. well maybe not that fine but I'll survive anyhow"

from reba's fancy
"I knew what I had to do and I made myself this solemn vow I was going to be a lady someday though I didn't know when or how. but I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with my head hung down in shame. see I might haev been born just plain white trash but fancy was my name(I might have been born to alcoholic trash but I'm not gonna stay this way"

nika wants to die

Fri, 09 Nov 2001 23:52:07 GMT

I'm just so sick of everything. I want to end it all. To just drift peacefully away from everything. To not have any more pain in my world. Someone told me if I killed myelf I'd go to hell. From my view point hell would be an improvment! I just want all the fighting and yelling to end. I want peace. No more demands on my time. No more being caught in the middle. No more worrying about losing my family. no more pain, no more tears...just peace.

frustrated

Fri, 09 Nov 2001 21:49:29 GMT

ok I was responsiable. I didn't start having sex until I was 20. I was always careful and thus far have managed to not get pregnant. I graduated from a real high school and am going to college. so...WHY THE HELL AM I RAISING MY SISTER'S KIDS! WHY AM I PAYING FOR HER MISTAKES! shit, If I wanted to be raising kids I would have not used condoms and getton pregnant. she;s the one who screwed up and I'm the one paying for it. It's so not fair. tajke this morning for instance. I haev a really bad cold and totally feel like shit right now. I still grudgingly got up to get the brats ready. they werw fighting in the bathroom and the asshole told me to go see what was wromng. I sighed really loudly because I had been trying to take my temperture. he said it's your responsibility. why the hell is it my responsibility! they aren't my fucking kids! I don't get paid to watch them! I said I was sick and he said I don't give a damn! hello if they were my kids sick or otherwise it would be my responsibility to watch them. If I were a paid babysitter it would be my responsibility but I'm neither. I'm just the slave around here. I fucking hate it!

an answer perhaps

Tue, 06 Nov 2001 02:07:07 GMT

heres a paper I wrote for school. after going back and reading it I think it might explain a few things..like why I'm depressed!

I am an idealist. At least, I am according to the Keirsey temperament sorter. My letters, NF, stand for intuitive feeler. According to the description I am enthusiastic, trust my intuition, yearn for romance and dream of attaining wisdom. I pride myself on being loving, kind and authentic. It also says I will make an intense mate, nurturing parent and inspirational leader. How true is this of me? Overall, I feel it is pretty accurate.
The first part of the description describes me as enthusiastic. It also states that I trust my intuition, yeran for romance and dream of attaining wisdom. I feel this is fairly accurate. Depending on what I am doing, I can be enthusiastic. At things such as work, school and friends, I am very much so. Other things, such as housework, I am not so excited about. I do tend to trust my intuition but I still watch and learn and gather more information before making a final decision. I?m usually most intuitive when meeting friends boyfriends and girlfriends for the first time. I have found I am accurate after my first meeting almost all the time. As for yearning for romance, I feel yearning is a bit strong of a word. When I am in a relationship I do like romance but I don?t spend my single days wishing for it. I do occasionally fantasize about various guys but I find there are equal romantic and sexual fantasies. I feel searching for wisdom is very accurate. I love learning. I love to learn something new and store the knowledge in my mind for further use. Any kind of new fact whether it be a scientific theory or the origin of a word is fascinating for me.
The section in the description of what I pride myself on is also accurate. I am loving with friends and most family. I am also warm with most people. I would replace authentic with intelligent though. My mind is one of the things I pride myself on the most. I am the first woman to go to college on both sides of my family. I take extreme pride in that.
Am I an intense mate? I?m not too sure about that. It would depend on the situation and the guy. I know I am very intense when fighting. As for a nurturing parent I know this is true though I have no children of my own. I worked for four years in a childcare center. I am still in contact with many of the families whose children I cared for. The most common phrase I heard was you?ll be a great mother someday. One particular child stays on my mind. He was two years old and a very slow to warm up child. I hated to see him sitting all alone but knew he?d scream if I got too close. One day I took a ball and rolled it to him from across the room. He caught it and rolled it back. I had found a way to play with him. He slowly would move closer and closer to me until I could play right beside him. One day as he was leaving he gave me a big hug and said he loved me. His mother was stunned. I was the first person outside his family he ever hugged. I felt very good that day. Although I did feel bad after I left because she stopped going to the YMCA. No other member of the staff ever took the time to get close to him and he was miserable there. I still receive emails and pictures from his family and have babysat him a few times when I?m in San Jose.
As for inspirational leader, I?m not too sure about the leader part but I have been told my life is an inspiration. I have many online friends who are going through various things. A few have told me the fact that I have survived and am doing well makes them believe they can too.
What factors have shaped my life? What made me what I am today? I think a lot has to do with my upbringing. I consider it a matter of internal and external scars. The external scars are a defining moment for me but it was all the internal scars that led to it.
I was born on November 15th, 1979. My father left two minutes after I was born to go to a meeting. All my life he was never involved. He didn?t go to my elementary, middle, or high school graduation. I played flute from fourth grade until I graduated high school. He didn?t go to a single concert. The only thing he did in my life was install fear and show me how I didn?t want to live.
My father is an alcoholic. He has been so for as long as I can remember. He doesn?t get violent but he yells and screams. As a child I clutched my baby blanket, hid under the blankets and prayed for the yelling to stop. To this day I cannot stand to hear yelling. And I still have my baby blanket. I became very attached to it as a child and have not yet been able to break that attachment.
My father was also very critical of me. I was called fat and stupid most of my life. My senior year of high school I rebelled. I wanted to shut him up so I worked my ass off and got straight A?s. Rebellion doesn?t always have to be a negative thing. The only good thing I can say about him is that he made me determined to succeed in life.
I did have some good adult influences in my life. My grandparents on my mom?s side were wonderful. They usually babysat me and I loved them dearly. My grandfather took all us grandkids hiking and my grandmother was so warm and always joking. I also had a very special bond with my grandmother in Texas. I can count on my hands the number of times we saw each other but from the first time she saw me she felt I was special. The first time I remember meeting her I was only six but I felt a special bond. In the end, when her mind wasn?t working as well I was one of the few people she remembered. I was also close to my great grandmother. And I had a wonderful father figure. A friend of the family named Larry Avis. As a child I was always with him. He considered me one of his own as well. I was constantly telling my mom I wanted her to give me up for adoption and I think he would have adopted me if my parents would have let him.
But in life nothing good lasts forever. My grandfathers health is failing. His hearing is almost completely gone. My grandmother is angry so much now. She is sandwiched between caring for my sister?s baby and caring for my great grandmother. Plus, her and my dad are constantly fighting. It puts a heavy strain on me. It makes me wistful for my childhood.
My grandmother in Texas died in 1997, two weeks before my eighteenth birthday. She was supposed to fly down from Texas for my graduation that June. It hit me hard. It still does every time I think that she won?t be there for my college graduation. She won?t be there when I get married or when I have my children. Larry won?t either. He died in 1995. As I look back I realize he was the closest thing to a father I ever had. I tell people quite often that my real father died. It feels that way to me. When he died I went into my first deep depression. I remember almost nothing about that time. I only remember that my grades slipped and I was throwing up every morning. And I remember my now best friend who I had only known for a year when this happened stuck around and helped me through.
Watching my great grandmother?s mind slowly deteriorate has been another painful thing in my life. She suffers from Alzheimer's. It is so painful to remember how she was and see how she is now. She?ll recognize me by sight but can?t remember my name or anything about me. When I tell her I?m in college she gets very proud but five minutes later forgets.
I think all these little scars were one of the causes of a very big internal scar, depression. Looking back with a therapist I realized I could have been diagnosed as depressed in middle school. I know I had my first major depressive episode when I was sixteen. I wasn?t actually diagnosed until I was nineteen. I was put on Paxil and it has helped somewhat. A Reba McEntire song says it best ?I?ve only turned a lighter shade of blue?.
All the internal scars led to the external scars. Obsessive compulsive disorder. In my case a particularly harmful form called self mutilation. I was scratching myself. Using outer pain to relieve inner pain. I consider this the lowest point in my life. It just so happens that at the lowest point in my life, a low point in American history led to an extremely high point in my life and a very big change.
I was living in San Jose when the Sept. 11th attacks happened. The day after the attacks I put my name down to volunteer at the red cross. I got a call asking me to go in on Friday. I then spent Friday through Wednesday working there. I took financial contributions, signed people up to donate blood, worked long tiring nine and ten hour days and begin to feel really good about myself. The people there were wonderful. Always praising the volunteers, feeding us(I swear I gained ten pounds) and in general were very appreciative of our help. My self esteem which had been rock bottom for some time began to rise then soar. As I begin to feel good about myself I realized that I was stupid to let others determine my worth. It was very dumb of me to hurt myself because I was upset over something someone(usually either my dad or sister) had done. I haven't scratched myself since then. I have started to work on my self esteem and have started finding humor in things that used to upset me. I still have a long way to go but I?m definitely on my way.
And where am I going? Right now I am very close to getting my AA in psychology. I?d like to transfer to a four year college afterward and work on getting my Master?s degree and marriage and family counselor license. I?d really love to work with a non profit but I know the pay there isn?t great so would most likely do that on a volunteer basis. I?d someday like to open my own practice. I would also like to get a PHD in psychology. I don?t need a PHD to do what I want but I?d like to have one just so I know I could potentially do anything I wanted, even if I was on my own. Watching my mom stay with a man she hated because she couldn?t raise us on her own and would never leave us has been a big influence in my life. I never want to be trapped like that.
My life has been filled with quite a few bad events but I wouldn?t change those. They have taught me to survive. The only thing I would change would be the depression. I can only think of one word to describe it and that is hell. It is the most awful thing in the world. I wouldn?t wish depression on my worst enemy. The emotional numbness is awful. When my youngest niece was born I would hold her and I know I loved her, but I couldn?t feel it. I felt nothing. I couldn?t even cry. I would get rid of that if I could but unfortunately you can?t change the past. I am eternally grateful for my friends. I know I never would have survived without them. All the times I contemplated ending it all, my love for them and knowing they loved me was what stopped it. I?d like to say thank you to Heidi, Melinda,and heather for always being there and helping me through it all. Although there are several bad things in my life, the depression is the only thing I?d change. The hardship has made me who I am. To quote Reba McEntire one more time ?With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter I?m a survivor?

a letter to a friend

Tue, 06 Nov 2001 01:31:03 GMT

I wrote this letter to my friend dusty this morning. thought I'd share it here too :

I thought I was doing better. I was convinced I had
> fallen beaten most of my illnesses. I should have
> known better. My family is driving me insane. my dad
> and grandma are fighting once again very badly. I
> get put in the middle. I hate it. I can't tell my
> dad not to call my grandma a bitchc ause he'll yell
> and scream at me. I can't tell my grandma things
> aren't the way she sees them because she'll freeze
> me out. damn it! I just want a family again. I
> suffer in silence,. last night I was so frustrated I
> had an overwhelming urge to hit something. before I
> really realized what I was doing I was punching
> myself in my upper arm. I don't bruise easily so I
> figure this is marginally better than scratching
> because there won't be any visable signs. which at
> the sametime is a bad thing because it most have
> required some thought on my part...be it
> subcounsiously or whatever. I also feel bad because
> by not telilng anyone but you it's a way of lying to
> my best friends. I have concinvced melinda I am
> doing so much better. I don't want to tell her I
> regressed again. I feel safe telling you because
> you've been there. you can relate. what really
> scares me is the plan that entered my head late last
> night that won't go away. I had an idea that if I
> drank half a bnottle of cough syrup with some
> motrin..immediatly calilng 911 right after I might
> just get my family to quit fighting. I planned on
> leaving a note telilng them I did this not with the
> intention of dying but as a wake up call to them. I
> did it to make them realize how I feel when I get
> put in this posistion. that I knoe each side will
> blame the other but it is all their fault. to write
> to my grandma if she's feeling guilty I want her to
> remember it cause that's how I feel whenever she
> crys and I am helpless to do anything about it. I
> want to tell them all if you're angry good cause
> that's how I feel most of the time because of all of
> you. I did this because I want to have my family
> back damnit! then add I did it this time as a cry
> for help and realazation...next time I mayu decide
> oit wopuld take my acual death to wake them up. the
> very sad thing is I doubt either side would pay
> attention to why and just fight more because ofv it.
> In a way I guess I'm hoping it would make my mom
> realize that when I say I'm under way too much
> stress and need counceling I mean it. I can't get
> any help now though because with my dad unemployed
> I'm uninsured. I'm going to the unemployment office
> in a few minutes to get an application fir the movie
> theatre. maybe I'll talk to them about geting on
> medical or something. I was planning on going off my
> meds but to regress this dsharply after only 5 days
> off them(I was weaning this woill be the first fuill
> wek...I was gonna takre a pill wedsnesday and each
> week after that until the bottle was empty)I can't
> do it. at least not now. I mean yes my mental
> attitude towards things such as idiot men(found out
> gary has a gf...grrrrrrrr) has changed but I can't
> deal wiyth my famnily without it. I mean shit I'm
> planning on spending thanksagiving and christmas
> with melinda's famnily just because I don't want to
> be with my own on the holidays cause all they'll do
> is fight andn bitch. plus the fact that UI'm pretty
> much servant girl around here pisses me off. I mean
> I watch the kids, clean ythe house and do a million
> other things but...Ibdon't get paid to it...I'm the
> basbysitter, maid and my dad;s secretery but they
> want me to get a job! they can just pay me for
> everything I do!plus my mom is bugging me to take a
> semester off and just work. I don't fucking think
> so! I'm already behoind because my dad spent my
> $17,000 satudent loan so I'll bve getting my AA
> really soon instead of getting my MA by nhext june
> which I would have been had I stayed at san jose
> state...now she wants me to get farther behind! I
> think not.well gotta go...thanks foir listening to
> me rant

Please God, just let me die

Sun, 19 Aug 2001 01:19:37 GMT

I'm sitting here crying. I'm not even sure why. I just can't stop. I just threw up my dinner. Damn it I don't want to go through this again!!!!! I swear that bhottle of pills is looking better and better...I'm literaaly shaking because I want to scratch myself so badly. I'm fighting the urge which is I think what made me sick to my stomach. I thought saying if I get through this hour would make it easier to stop. An hour is an eternity when you just want to dig your nails into your skin and scratch until you bleed. I'm not sure which is worse...scratching myself or resisting and vomiting from resisting. All I really know anymore is that I want to die. Would anyone even miss me? I doubt it. My family...HA theres a joke. My sister might go crying to everyone but not because she missed me but because she would like the attention. My grandparents might then again if I was dead my grandma wouldn't have to pay my creditcard bills anymore. If I was dead there would be nobody to watch Jessica so she might go back to San Jose which would make my aunt happy. And what about my friends? What friends? I have people online who might miss me but they've never even met me. Heidi...when was the last time I even saw her. Melinda thinks I'm a lying two faced bitch. Well I guess Heather might but she has steven and her cats. She's getting married and probably going to live happily ever after. I mean really. I tell my friends I've been cutting myself and noone replies. Well Leeanna did and so did Dusty. If I found out one of my friends was doing this I'd reply at least with I'm here for you. I feel like I'm fighting this alone. I guess I am. God I want to die. I just want to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. If I took a bottle of motrin or cough syrup I might just do that. It would be so nice. Noone would even notice before it was too late to do anything. I would at last have peace. No depression, no crying, no vomiting, no headaches, just, at last peace. Maybe I'll do it tonight and have it over with.

In the mist

Sat, 18 Aug 2001 05:40:09 GMT

I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling lately. In a fog would be the best description I could think of. I'm numb again which I hate but even though I feel no emotion I want to cry all the time. I havn't scratched myself since the day I used the scissors on my upper arms but I'm so afraid I won't be able to stop. I'm trying to take it one hour at a time. It seems to be working ok but as of yet I havn't been faced with anything really bad. I was looking at the wounds on my arm today. I looked where I cut with the scissors after fighting with my sister and saw four really light scratches. Then I looked at where I cut with the scissors after realizing I had inadvertantly hurt a friend and saw seven deeper scratches. At least I realized more what set me off. Guilt is stronger than frustration. I think about killing myself a lot. I know I could never go through with it...well most of the time I think I couldn't but I never thought I'd slice my arms with scissors either. But since guilt effects me so badly I think I'll be ok. I would feel too guilty thinking about thoes I would hurt to go through with it. I don't really want to die. I just want peace. I really wish I could go to sleep and just sleep for a month or so uninterrupted. I really wish someone would understand. I wish someone could help me. Even the professionals who claim to want to help aren't much help. What good is a doctor who can't see you for a month? I have noone nearby I can talk to...really talk to that is. I talk a lot to people on the internet I've never met in person. In some cases I have picture so I can put face and na,me together. It is the closest thing to comfort I have. I do have a very special friend on the internet...a second mother to me really. She does understand because she's been there. I have no clue where I'd right now if not for Dusty but her love and friendship and understanding doesn't change the fact that she is in Michigan and I am in California. She can't put her arms around me and hold me while saying it will all be allright. I was criticized recently for something I said on a website. I was just defending a friend. True it is a friend I have never met but she is a friend all the same. She was the first person who knew I was cutting myself because she consytantly reads this online journal. Dusty was the second person I told because she is fighting her own battlee and I knew she'd understand. Acually I told three people online before any of my non online friends knew. My parents say I spend too much time online. This computer connects me to the outside world. It is how I talk to friends. I'd go insane without. In all honestty without being able to sign on and talk to someone when I'm upset I might have overcome that guilt and downed a bottle of my mom's imitrex with a bottle of cough syrup with codiene by now. This includes non internet frieds I talk to via email or ims as well. Without my daily silly nonsense copnversations with heather I don't know ewhat I'd do. It feels so good to laugh. I may not feel happy but laughing is better than crying. I do feel better having finally told everyone what was going on but a part of me wishes I hadn't. a part of me...the guilt feels like I'm interupting their lives with my problems. I know my friends don't feel this way but a opart of me does. I think it's the depression part...the part of me that thinks I'm not good enough for anything. Plus I'm still sick to my stomach all the time. NO vomiting yet...just gagging but I know the vomiting will be coming soon. I hope it holds off until I get to the doctor. I couldn't handle that again. It almost killed me last time. I think it would kill me if I had to live through that again.

I am so stupid

Fri, 29 Jun 2001 03:34:06 GMT

I am so stupid for beliving it was all finally over. I am so stupid for thinking it all had acually worked out. When the asshole and my aunt made peace I was so happy. Everything hsad worked out. I had a family again. Now he's changing whjat he said saying he never said it. He was probably too damn drunk to remember he said it. I am such a fool for thinking my life could be going good for once. I am so damn stupid for believing the gfighting and aliensation had come to an enfd